Smutty Eats

Caramel-Walnut Apple Crumble for ONE

Desserts are always for four or more, but what if you’re trying to be good and you want JUST ONE portion?

Well, here’s how the apple crumble I made last night shakes down.

It’s based on a Jamie Oliver recipe. I just cook it slightly different to get a “caramel sauce” and used what I had the in house.

This is using a Mini Cocotte to cook one person’s crumble in. It’s a little dish that holds one cup of apple crumbly goodness and is oven-safe.

APPLE CRUMBLE RECIPE

Crumble:

• 2 tbsp quick oats
• 1 tbsp flour
• 1 tbsp butter
• 1 tbsp sugar
• 2 tbsp walnut pieces

Apple filling:

• 1 cup of apples, cored, peeled, and chopped into small pieces (quite!)
• 1 tbsp water
• 1.5 tbsp sugar
• 1/4 tsp nutmeg
• 1/2 tsp cinnamon

1. Combine all the crumble ingredients EXCEPT walnuts, and mush together with a fork, leaving some large buttery bits in the mix. Add walnuts.

2. It should be 1 cup of apple, but it’ll reduce by 20-25% in this cooking phase. Heat apples, sugar, and water on stove over med-high heat and stir well. Keep heating it until all the sugar caramelizes and starts to thicken. Stir very little until this happens. Once the sauce seems sticky like caramel sauce, transfer to your cocotte.

3. Cover apple filling with crumble topping, and bake for 15-20 minutes in a 350 oven. Watch carefully for walnuts, which will likely over-toast or burn, so just move around the crumble a little if that starts to happen.

4. Serve alone, with cream, sharp cheddar, or whatever works for you.

PS: I use honeycrisp apples, which were awesome.

Autumn on a Plate & In a Bowl: Root Veggies 2 Ways

Nothing says autumn like root vegetables, some say.

They’re cheap, hearty, and go with most yummy things.

Being just me at home, I get bored of leftovers, so it’s better for me now if I can make one dish one night and turn it into another on the next night. Sunday’s when I get food ready for the week, so if I have a dish on Friday or Saturday and can reinvent it Sunday? WIN.

Enter roasted root veggies, making me The Victor.

On night one, I paired the freshly-roasted veggies with a herb-and-garlic-marinated pork loin steak that I sauteed, and some nice asparagus I got on sale.

Night two? I made it into the world’s easiest leftovers soup and had a great grilled cheese sammich to take me to a happy place.

The work is really all in the peeling. If you use the right pan to roast ‘em in, clean-up’s a snap. Metal ain’t your friend. I used my enameled clay 9x13x3” dish.

ROASTED ROOT VEGGIES

use any combination that works for you. mine:

• 1 large parsnip, peeled and chopped
• 1 small butternut squash, peeled, deseeded, and chopped.
• 1 large red onion, chopped
• 1 large sweet onion, chopped
• 2 heads garlic, peeled and left whole
• 2 small purple yams
• 1 large sweet potato, peeled and chopped
• 1 jumbo or 2 large carrots, peeled and chopped
• 2-3 tbsp olive oil
• lotsa salt
• pepper
• lotsa herbes de Provence (mix of savory, fennel, basil, thyme, and lavender)

Just chop ‘em all individually and add to your roasting dish, pour oil over, sprinkle salt, pepper, and herbes de Provence over them, toss, and roast at 425 until each kinda veggie is fork-tender. Turn/stir occasionally so no one area gets too charred.

Serve with any kind of meat. Seriously. Always good.

Save leftovers.

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LEFTOVER ROASTED VEGGIES SOUP

• 1 tbsp butter
• 2 small leeks, cleaned and chopped (light green/white parts only)
• whatever veggies are left (me, about 3/4-4/5)
• chicken or veggie or turkey stock to cover
• salt
• pepper
• herbes de Provence

Saute the leeks in butter until tender, over medium heat, about 5-10 minutes.

Add leftover root veggies, plus stock to cover by an inch or two (you can always add more if it’s pureeing too thickly at the end).

Bring to an almost-boil, then reduce and simmer for 20 minutes. Puree with an immersion blender. Season with salt, pepper, herbs.

Serve! If you’re all wacky and want it to be more fattening, you can serve with creme fraiche, sour cream, or even add whipping cream before you serve it. Me, I had it plain.

Because, of course, I had it with a grilled cheese sandwich!

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KICKIN’-UP-GRILLED CHEESE-SAMMICH POINTERS

If you’ve never tried something like hot red pepper jelly, Cabernet jelly, marmalade, etc, on a grilled cheese sammich, yer doin’ it wrong! Seriously.

Tonight’s grilled cheese was on whole grain bread, with two cheeses, both very strong so I could use less— Canada’s only cloth-wrapped aged cheddar from PEI’s “Avonlea” cheesemaker, and the low-fat-but-strong Dutch Cantenaar —plus a hot-and-sweet red pepper jelly.

The jelly doesn’t need to be slathered on, just a bit of it, and the flavour pop it gives is amazing. Without the jelly, I think there would be too little contrast with the root veggie soup. With it, it’s WOW.

Think about it, if you disagree or balk at the thought. Almost every restaurant includes a jam/jelly with their cheese platter for a reason.

And that’s that. I hope you give this soup a try. It’s easy, cheap, healthy, and probably around 120 calories or less a bowl. Yum!

Kick-Ass Black Bean & Pork Slow Cooker Chili

Life is hectic, as you’ve probably gathered from my lack of posting here.

So, all right, let’s talk food.

I’ve had a slowcooker for years and never liked ‘em. Lately, life’s hectic, as I said, so I’d like to rethink the slowcooker on occasion, and see if I can make it work for me. This recipe? A successful start.

I’m also getting started on a “holy fuck, I’m doing this wrong!” move to start eating healthy, since it’s been going a little nuts on the body/mind side of life lately.

But healthy doesn’t need to be boring, so fuck that. I’ve seen cooking shows for “dieters” where they use a HALF TEASPOON of chili powder for two burritos. No other seasoning, just that. Pussies. Not on my show, kids. Spice calories are non-existent, practically. Pussies!

Instead of eating the THIRD OF A BAGUETTE I snarfed down with this chili last night, I topped it with avocado and took a pass on bread. It was pretty delicious. So was the garlic bread, but I’ll respect myself in the morning after this.

I took Canadian Living’s seasoned-for-pussies attempt at this Pork & Black Bean Chili, and kicked it up like I’ve been doing tapas for Satan, and now it’s got flavour. You could make it even spicier, since I totally didn’t even need a glass of water for this.

I also jacked up the veggies, not just because I’m trying to be healthy but because I’m trying to use up what’s in the fridge. Double win. And, because I’m cheap, I got stewing pork shoulder meat for about 1/2 the price, and cut off the excess fat.

In a nod to purist chili (and laziness), I used garlic powder instead of fresh garlic, but if you’re using fresh, do 4-6 cloves.

• 1.5 lb stewing pork shoulder, cubed
• 2 tbsp bacon fat
• 2 med onions or 1 jumbo, diced
• 1 carrot, diced
• 1 large each red & green pepper, diced
• 1 stick celery, diced 
• 1.5 tbsp dried oregano
• 1.5 tbsp ground cumin
• 2 tsp garlic powder (not garlic SALT)
• 1-2 tbsp hot chipotle sauce, or to taste if it’s a crazy sauce
• 1+ tsp salt
• 1-2 tsp cracked pepper
• 2 cans (19 oz/540 mL each) black beans, drained and rinsed
• 1 28-oz can diced tomatoes
• 1/2 cup water
• avocado (optional)
• lime juice  (optional but obviously!)
• sour cream  (optional)

Rub the pork with 1/3 the spices, plus some salt & pepper, then saute and brown in batches, in a Dutch oven with the bacon fat, over med-high heat.

Remove the pork but hang on to that fat.

Saute veggies in the rendered pork/bacon fat, along with all spices and the garlic powder, hot sauce, salt and pepper, for about 10 minutes or so, until it seems happy and softened.

Put the pork in the slow cooker. Cover with the veggies, then add the drained/rinsed beans, top with the tomatoes and water.

Cover and cook on low for 6-8 hours. (Mine was fine for 9.)

When serving, top with chopped avocado and a little lime juice. Sour cream works too.

Pork, Capicollo, & Asparagus Sandwich

Sandwiches. I never really got it. If it wasn’t some open-faced broil version with bubbly cheese or a nod to the ever-loved burger, I wasn’t interested. I never had a club sandwich or Monte Cristo until my 36th year.

Recently, I’ve started to “get” it. The sandwich, it seems, can be a noble platform for edible creativity. I’m in.

Here’s last night’s invention, which was somewhat of an epiphany for me. I’m addicted to cheesy sandwiches, and it’s not often I’ve loved a sammich cheeseless like this one. What do you think?

• 5-6” baguette, sliced
• 1-2 tbsp hummus kicked up with hot sauce
• 1/2 avocado, mashed
• 2-3 oz thick-sliced roasted pork tenderloin
• 2 slices extra-hot capicollo
• 6 spears asparagus, woody ends removed but otherwise whole
• 1/2 medium tomato, sliced
• 1 tbsp balsamic reduction/glaze

1. Toast the baguette. Lightly!

2. Sauté the asparagus in a dry pan until tender-crisp. Use olive oil if you insist. I found it unnecessary.

3. Slice your tenderloin in 1/4-1/3” slices.

4. Assembling! Schmear your hummus on half your baguette. Schmear the asparagus on the other (reserve about 1/3 for random schmearage inside the pile of toppings. Lay the asparagus lengthwise on whichever side has a little more spread on it. Lay the pork in a nice domino fashion on the other toast. Add tomato layer. Tear your capicollo & layer it evenly. Drizzle balsamic over asparagus. Close sandwich.

5. Eat. Be happy.

Rainy Day Sandwich: The Slow-Food Bacon-And-Tomato Sammich

I knew my friend Mark was coming by to fetch his on-loan-for-18-months BBQ, which I safeguarded in a food-of-love way while his leaky condo complex underwent massive renovations.

So, when I was shopping yesterday, I was fixated on 2 things — the steak I wanted for dinner, and the eggs I wanted for breakfast.

I completely forgot about supper TONIGHT.

In a “what the hell have I got” kind of kitchen-contemplating that wouldn’t require leaving the house, I realized I had all the fixings for what could be the Ultimate Bacon & Tomato Sandwich.

It’s a rainy day, I still haven’t changed out of my pajamas… well, why the hell not do some “slow food” and see what I could come up with?

Well, friends, next time there’s a big rainstorm forecast for a Sunday, make sure you have a good soup on hand, and spend a couple hours slow-roasting this stuff while you watch a movie in your jammies.

Because, honestly, it might just blow your sandwich-lovin’ mind.

It’s SO EASY TO MAKE, it just takes time. Try it when you’re planning to loaf around the house sometime, and let me know what you think.

THE NOBLE BACON AND TOMATO SANDWICH:
STEFF’S SLOW-FOOD WAY

(makes one 6-inch hefty baguette sandwich)

• 1/2 pint of baby roma, grape, or cherry tomatoes, preferably organic*
• 3 tablespoons fresh oregano leaves, NOT chopped
• 3 rashers good double-thick bacon, I used peppercorn-crusted, which I loved
• 1 tablespoon olive oil
• 1 6-inch piece sturdy baguette or ciabatta bread
• 10 cloves of garlic, with skins on, but rubbed clean of any loose outer skins
• kosher salt
• 1 tablespoon cream cheese or marscapone or ripened spreadable goat cheese
• 1-2 ounces Sardo or other even-melting cheese that’s salty and strong, close to the Parmesan family

Preheat your oven to 275 degrees.

Slice the tomatoes lengthwise.

Put in a small bowl, toss with olive oil and just a little kosher salt (all that juice etc evaporates, so the salt will intensify — be careful).

Put the tomatoes skin-side-down on a small foil-lined tray. Press a baby oregano leaf onto each tomato’s flesh.

Toss the garlic in the leftover oil in the tomato bowl, turn out on tray as well. (Don’t toss the tomatoes WITH the garlic, in case it gets skins all over them. Do it separate.)

Take the garlic out when squishy — about 45 minutes in. Let cool.

Put the bacon on to cook, on medium low, turning every 5 minutes or so, so it browns evenly and slowly. Cook to medium-well and cool.

Roast the tomatoes for about 90 minutes, turning once about 50 minutes in, turning back to skin-side-down for the last 10 minutes, to make sure it’s sufficiently dried out.

They’ll be a little soft and moist, which is good for your sandwich.

Mash the garlic with about 1/2-1tsbp fresh herbs, I used oregano and thyme, as well as the cream cheese (or marscapone/goat cheese) and some coarse kosher or sea salt.

Generously smear the garlic spread onto both halves of the baguette.

Break your bacon into bite-sizes.

Your cheese needs to last for three layers, so you’re putting VERY little on each time, okay?

Layer of cheese, layer of half the bacon, layer of tomatoes, layer of cheese, layer of bacon, layer of tomatoes, layer of cheese.

Press down hard, cover, and grill on a panini press until char marks begin.

Enjoy with a nice red wine.

*something like this, where there’s 4 or 5 simple ingredients, get the best you can, dude.

Rustic Dinners: Italian Beans with Sausages

This is one of my regular meals — I probably make it 3-6 times a year, and I make a huge batch so I can freeze it for work meals, serve it to friends with brunches, whatever.

I’ve never done it with a recipe, it’s just something I throw together. The amount of onions and peppers changes every time, this time it’s really veggie-heavy because that’s where my diet’s heading. The herbs change too. I’ll often do it with fresh tomatoes, and fresh basil at the end, no dried herbs, in the summer.

This serves 6-8, more if it’s a side dish. It’s filling and flexible. It’s great with rustic bread and eggs for breakfast, or a green salad for supper. Fantastic for a lunch, especially if you cycle to work or get a workout in during your work day. Tons of protein here, buddy!

Tonight I’m working with Vancouver’s Falconetti’s sausages — one hot Italian, one sweet/mild Italian.

You’ll see the sausages have been squeezed out of their cases and turned into meatballs. Always a great time-saving trick.

• 4 cups cooked white beans (I love cannellini for this but HAVE black-eyed, so.)
• 2 large Italian sausages, casings removed, made into 1” meatballs
• 5 cups sliced mixed peppers (I used 5 peppers)
• 1 large onion sliced thinly
• 4-6 cloves garlic minced
• 1 - 28oz can diced tomatoes
• 2tbsp tomato paste
• 1/2 cup red wine
• 1-2 tbsp dried thyme*
• salt
• hot red pepper flakes to taste

Reserve the beans until later.

Cook meatballs over medium high heat until done. Reserve 2 tbsp fat. Add all onions and peppers. Cook for 5 - 10 minutes over medium heat until turning colour. Add garlic. Add  half the thyme now and hot red pepper flakes to your tastes. Cook another minute or two.

Add tomatoes, wine, tomato paste, beans, and sausages, mix well. Bring to a boil and simmer for 30-60 minutes. Taste for seasoning midway through. Add more thyme if it needs it, and salt it accordingly.

Serve with greens and a crusty bread for dinner, or with rustic bread and eggs for breakfast.

NOTE: I’ve made it with black beans, too, but kicked in some chilies and cumin/coriander/hot sauce, for a Mexican feel, too. I’ve made it with all kinds of white beans, black-eyed beans, but tend to avoid red beans because, again, I roll that way.

World’s Cheapest Lunch Factory: Curried Chicken Wraps

This is pretty much a 25-lunches-for-25-dollars kind of recipe, and really takes an afternoon to get it together, mostly because assembling wraps is a pain in the ass.

But, once you get THAT done, then you’re rocking, because then you’ll have between 20 and 25 wraps hanging out in your freezer. Grab one before work, microwave it for 90 seconds or so, you’re set with a well-balanced, cheap, and healthy lunch.

The amount of curry really comes down to what you’re working with. I picked up a jar of Jamaican Curry, and that’s what I’m working with, and I use a LOT of it, so my spice approximations are kinda add-as-you-go and see-whatcha-like.

And, yeah, this is totally white-girl-style curry, but I learned this basic recipe off an Indian woman I know, so hey.

CURRIED CHICKEN WRAPS

• canola oil
• 2 pounds boneless, skinless chicken thighs, chopped into 1/2-1” pieces
• 1 giant sweet onion, diced (about 3 cups)
• 1 HEAD of garlic, minced
• 1 can chickpeas, drained (about 20 ounces)
• 1 bag frozen veggies (I use Green Giant mixed veggies with corn/carrots/green beans)
• 1/2 CUP curry (or more)
• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 500-ml tub of Balkan Style yogurt
• salt as needed
• hot sauce as needed (I’m using Frank’s Red Hot today, almost went with habanero)
• water as needed
• 2.5 cups whole grain rice, COOK IT as instructed (I had rice leftover… depends how much carbyness you want)
• at least 18 8-inch wraps
• 2/3 cup sliced almonds (OPTIONAL)
• 1/2 cup currants (OPTIONAL)

Put a bit of oil in a dutch oven, get it warmed up on the stove. Don’t do this in a seasoned wok or anything; the curry will eat the finish. A nice non-stock or aluminum pot will do. A 5-quart one, minimum!

Add the chicken, onions, and a couple tablespoons of the curry, mix well and saute for up to 15 or 20 minutes, until the onions are completed sweated out and the chicken looks cooked.

Add the chopped garlic. Saute for a couple more minutes. (It’s not really “sauteeing” now, as it’s getting very saucy. Still, indulge me.).

Now add everything (except the almonds and currants, ! Chickpeas, veggies, yogurt, more curry (not ALL of it, another 2 tablespoons, let it cook a bit, we can add more!), hot sauce, salt, sugar, and even the almonds and currants, if you’re into those.

It’s gonna have to simmer 1-2 hours. Uncovered. You can put your rice on now. 

You only want a little liquid, but you have to add some water now so it’s a bit saucy and can simmer as long as is needed, but you want it to evaporate a lot so that it’s pretty dry when you’re putting your wraps together.

Season as you go. The curry flavours develop, so tasting it in the first 30 minutes is almost pointless. The veggies cook slowly, and as they do they release sugars and other flavours, changing everything.

So, be patient. After a half hour, decide if you need more spicing.

Cook it until it’s evaporated enough and all the veggies are soft and happy and the curry has mellowed. About 90 minutes to 2 hours works for me. Stir periodically.

Remember, the salt absorbs after a while, so be prepared to add more salt, too.

Finally, if you wanted to do it dairy-free, I imagine coconut milk would be great, but then you wouldn’t add water, and you might need to thicken it so it’s not a runny wrap. (Some mashed beans or potatoes would help on that count.)

ASSEMBLING NOTES:

You can’t do these low-carb & freeze them; the rice absorbs the curry juices. Otherwise, you’ll have a wet mess.

To make the wraps, keep in mind that EVERYTHING NEEDS TO HAVE COOLED DOWN.

Once it’s cool, you’ll put about 1/3 cup of rice, plus 1/2 - 3/4 cup of the curry mix, and you’ll roll it up like you would a burrito.

Wrap each in cellophane, and put in a freezer bag.

Microwave for 1-2 minutes. Enjoy. Mine have kept for 2-3 months before.

My Best Bolognese

This is based upon the Food TV Network’s Best of cookbook’s recipe for Bolognese.

All ingredients are an approximation, based on my best recollection.

Don’t follow recipes to the T anyhow, not when it’s “cooking”. Baking is different, that’s science. Cooking, however, is art, because every ingredient from every seller tastes different, and YOU, the COOK, you need to compensate for that change of state at your station.

Cook, dammit! Improvise! Taste, change, put your stamp on it! Recipes are either geared for the writer of the recipe (like mine), or they’re written for the “lowest common denominator”, the average person, the person for whom restaurants offer “MILD” seasoning.

NAY, DON’T GO THERE. No one need be mild, man!

So, my bolognese? As I recollect, and since I’ve perfectly matched an easy-drinking Nero with this pasta tonight, let’s hope I recollect well. :)

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BOLOGNESE, MAN — THE GOOD STUFF

This is slow-cooked for six hours. It’s perfect to make after you’ve relaxed after your mid-morning Saturday or Sunday breakfast. Takes about 30 minutes to get going, then you just stir it every hour or so, look hungrily at it and think “Yes, I’m saving room for seconds” as you mix it and inhale.

1 to 1.25 pounds meat (can be lean beef, seasoned sausage meat, ground pork, whatever you prefer)
1 tbsp hot pepper flakes
1 tbsp dried thyme
2 slices thick bacon (you can go for pancetta, if you feel splurgey)
1 large sweet onion*
1 shallot*
1 medium red onion*
1 JUMBO carrot, or 2.5 cups (3 or so regular? excess won’t hurt)*
2 cans 28-oz tomatoes (crush them yourself in a big bowl, use everything)
1 small can tomato paste
2.5 cups DARK chicken, or beef stock
2 bay leaves
2 tsp oregano
1 tbsp dried thyme
1 tbsp Worcestshire sauce
1 tbsp Vietnamese fish sauce
1 tbsp cracked black pepper
salt to taste

* The veg, they can be chopped 1/4 to 1/3” cubes, or you can pulse them in a food processor until a fine chop is reached (it’s all good, as long as you’re not gonna let ‘em burn when sauteeing)

1. You’ll need a 5-quart dutch oven or similar pot for this. Get it heated to medium. You can use 1 tablespoon of olive oil if your meat is lean, or even if it’s fatty. You can strain it off at the end, so it doesn’t matter.

2. Add the meat to the warm pan with/without oil. Add the red pepper flakes and the first half of the thyme. Brown your meat. This will take 5-10 minutes.

3. Once cooked, remove the meat and reserve it. Strain the fat if you want to — it’ll certainly add awesome flavour if you keep it, and 3 tablespoons for 4 quarts isn’t the end of the world!

4. In the same pot, take your bacon (chopped into “lardoons” or little chunks about 1/3” thick) and cook the bits until getting crispy. Take them out, leaving the fat in the pan, and reserve the bacon with your browned meat.

5. Cook the veggies until the onions are turning golden — not caramelized, just a little beyond translucent. This might take 10 minutes, it really depends on your stove and your cookware. Watch and be decisive. Add the thyme and oregano at some point during this step. A 1/2 tablespoon of salt won’t hurt.

6. Add the tomato paste to the veggies, stir to coat them, cook for 2-3 more minutes.

7. Add 2 cans of diced or whole tomatoes than you’ve crushed with your own hands in a bowl before adding them. Add the meat. Add the bay leaves.

8. Stir well. Heat until it starts to bubble, then turn to medium low, partially cover, and cook for 4-6 hours, stirring every 45 minutes or so.

9. When there’s 20 minutes between you and eating, get the pasta water boiling.

10. Once you get the pasta in to cook, then add your fish sauce and Worcestshire. Mix well. TASTE IT. Does it need salt or pepper? Add some. Once you add it to the pasta, the pasta will automatically absorb SOME salt, so SOME can’t hurt, likely. If the pasta is NOT whole wheat/gluten free, take it off a minute or so early. Otherwise, keep cooking.

11. Sauce happy? Strain the pasta, don’t rinse it. Return it to the cooking pot. Add some sauce, stir to see if it’s a decent amount. Keep adding until you’re pleased, keeping in mind that you’ll be ladling a spoonful on top of the pasta anyhow. Let saute for 2-3 minutes.

12. SERVE!

TIPS:

• Like cheese? Save your parmesan cheese rinds, freeze them, and simmer it in your bolognese. Throw it out at the end, and you have all the cheese flavour without all the fat.
• It’s a huge batch because it takes so long to make perfectly but it also freezes really, really well. Freeze it as a sauce, not mixed with cooked pasta. Do it properly.
• FISH SAUCE? Actually, fish sauce is one of those mysteries, like the Caramilk secret. Somehow it binds the flavour of meat and onions together and gives this beautiful umami taste sensation to the sauce. Trust me. Actually, trust all the people who call it their “secret” ingredient.

ENJOY!